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Assertiveness is one of those traits that lay both in and out of our control. Obviously, some people are just more assertive than others—and they most likely have been that way since childhood. This does not mean that naturally more passive or more aggressive people can’t seek the middle ground (to become more assertive.) It’s about realising our limits, changing what can be changed, but not wasting time trying to completely up-end or eradicate our nature.

Over-committing, or agreeing to do more than what can possibly be done, can be a major stress point for many people. They feel harried, not realising they have willingly agreed to carry more than their share and that they could potentially deny some of the requests asked of them. With a bit of introspection, they may be surprised by the number of tasks they complete purely out of a sense of obligation (but not explicitly requested by anyone). Developing assertiveness and the ability to refuse something you really don’t want to do is highly recommended for anyone feeling overwhelmed by snowballing tasks.

Lack of assertiveness often boils down to a perception of rights: If we are more passive, we place other peoples’ rights automatically above our own (inconveniencing ourselves seems better than inconveniencing others). We imagine that by refusing a request, we are creating a conflict. While selflessness is an admirable trait, it can lead to stress and resentment if we are constantly bearing more than our share of the burden.

In developing assertiveness, one of the most important things to consider are your rights and the realisation that you have them as well as anyone else. If someone has the right to ask you to inconvenience yourself for them—you also have the complementary right to refuse them. This is not wrong, nor is it selfish. It means that you also have the right to ask people for inconveniences or favours, as long as you let them have the right of refusal. Now when you complete a task, it is because you really wanted to and not because of a forced sense of duty. This leads to higher productivity and a heightened sense of control over what you choose to do or not do in your day.

→ Related term at Wikipedia: Assertiveness
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