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For most people, control is divided into two spheres. One is made up of things they can change and that they know they are responsible for. The other is made up of things they realise are beyond their control and thus beyond their range of worries. There are extremes at both ends, but most reasonably well-adjusted people fit into some ratio between being controlled and having control.

Human beings obviously do not all start life at the same base and it would be foolish to imagine that our past or environment can be thrown off at a moment’s notice. However, while the past is out of our control, the future and present are not. Unfortunately today’s zeitgeist has shaken off the can-do/will-do attitude of the 80s and early 90s. Increasingly, we are told that everything from lack of concentration to lack of fitness is locked in our genes and thus out of our control. While this view may offer comfort, if we continue to blame our genes and our past for the inability to move forward, our life becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy. We eventually succumb as prisoners of these higher forces.

There is also the other end of the spectrum, the person who feels he should be in complete control, not only of life, but of its every detail. A certain amount of randomness is a reality of life and if we insist on maintaining absolute control, we set ourselves up for failure and disappointment. If we are repeatedly frustrated by our efforts to harness and manipulate every detail, we may find ourselves lashing out by unreasonably harassing or trying to manipulate others. Once again, the key is to accept that while we control many aspects of our lives, there are some things we simply cannot change. To insist on trying is to whittle away energy better spent on flexibly dealing with life’s randomness.

The satisfied, well-liked and respected people we know have most likely struck a healthy balance between these two views. They are the ones who realise that a part of life is luck—we are given a set of tools to work with and some of these are very hard to change. But they also see that the world does not owe them happiness and success. Those come from analysing what we have to work with, letting go of the things that simply can’t be and going after the things that can.

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