Too Little Self-Esteem (Low)

Putting it simply, if you have too little self-esteem, you have a low opinion of yourself.

The signs of low self-esteem include:

• Believing you are worth less than others.
• Putting little value in your own opinions.
• Feelings of shame for no good reason.
• Negative self talk.
• Frequently apologising (especially for expressing your opinions).
• Focusing too much on what you feel are your flaws and weaknesses.
• Seeking constant reassurance from others, yet denying their positive comments.

Low self-esteem can negatively affect every aspect of your life, from your work to your personal relationships. For instance, people with low self-esteem are hit harder by failure in any endeavour, according to a study by University of Washington psychologist Jonathan Brown. After doing poorly at a computer word game, those with high self-esteem actually rated their intelligence higher, while those with low self-esteem felt ashamed and humiliated. Those with low self-esteem also rated themselves as less competent and intelligent overall.

Because of the way they react to failure, people with low self-esteem may be extremely averse to risk and conform easily. They may also be perfectionists, driven by a fear of failure. Both of these traits can hold them back from excelling in their work, and perfectionism can add untold stress into any life.

Low self-esteem can also have serious consequences for relationships. Researcher Sandra Murray of the State University of New York at Buffalo in the United States found that very insecure people may sabotage their relationships. They may become convinced that their partner sees mostly their flaws, rather than their good qualities. Other research has shown that people with low self-esteem can have a less positive image of their partner, and find it difficult to integrate positive and negative traits into a whole picture. They may also blame their partner’s bad moods on themselves, even when the cause clearly has nothing to do with them.

Think of self-esteem as “a mental muscle that must be developed or maintained through regular psychological workouts – or you will become too vulnerable to depression,” says PsychologyToday.com.

Building Self-Esteem

A great place to start building healthy self-esteem is in a simple dialogue with yourself about what makes you unique and valuable. If you find it difficult to begin, you might also enlist friends and loved ones to help you come up with some of your strengths. Although you want to avoid becoming overly self-focused, you should continue that initial dialogue with regular positive self-talk.

Also, practice listening to your own needs and desires, and strive to fulfil them, whether through grooming, relaxation, engaging in activities you enjoy or finishing small tasks you’ve been putting off. Mark your accomplishments – including the nice things you do for others – with small celebrations, journal entries or a mementos collection.

PsychologyToday.com has some specific suggestions for building self-esteem at work:

• Seek out projects or assignments that ignite your passions.
• Learn new skills.
• Focus on problem solving.
• Keep track of your efforts – giving yourself credit for solid tries as well as successes.
• If your boss criticises you, take a deep breath and focus on correcting the issue, without dwelling on it.

The United States Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration also offers a free downloadable pamphlet on building self-esteem. Keep in mind, though, that if you can’t seem to start that positive dialogue with yourself, or come up with anything for your list of accomplishments, it might be time to consider professional help.

Too Much Self-Esteem (High)

There is also such a thing as too much self-esteem. People with an unrealistically positive view of themselves often feel they are better and more worthwhile than others and believe they deserve special privileges. They can have a narcissistic self-image, be prideful or arrogant, and may become self-indulgent.

People whose self-esteem is based on external factors, such as their appearance, approval from others, academic performance or how much money they make often have a fragile, over-inflated self-esteem. The loss of a job or the souring of a relationship can broadly affect them. Studies have also shown that they report more stress, anger, relationship conflicts, academic problems, drug and alcohol abuse, and eating disorder symptoms than do people with healthy self-esteem.

In fact, this narcissistic self-image can become dangerous, says a report by Nicholas Emler, a social psychologist at the London School of Economics. Although his report is controversial, he believes that people with extremely high self-esteem may be more likely to be violent, racist or engage in criminal behaviour.

Keep the Balance

Tempering self-esteem requires a steady hand. It’s about being realistic – not bringing yourself down. Be aware of your weaknesses and the things you’ve done wrong, and allow yourself to be self-critical, but not overly so. Don’t dwell on mistakes or generalise them as being failings of character, but acknowledge what you’ve done wrong and take steps to correct it, or at least apologise. Feel bad about bad behaviour and strive to correct it, but don’t let those bad feelings seep into your identity.

In general, try to aim for a healthy balance in your self-esteem. This means having an accurate view of both your strengths and failings. Realise that you are a generally good person, like and respect yourself, but know your faults.

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